Review Haiku: Oscars Edition, Part 1

So today I realized that Review and Haiku rhyme.  Consequently, if ever I feel the need to review something during the rest of my life it will be in Haiku form.  In other news the Oscars are coming up.  I generally try to see all of the best picture nominees before the ceremony but have yet to do so.  Here are some haikus for the ones I have seen.

AVATAR:

Blue people are cool.
Ponytail sex with dragons.
Should that be allowed?

DISTRICT 9:

Peter Jackson’s boy
makes apartheid with martians.
Sad but wicked good.

UP:

Pixar is the King.
Everything they touch is gold.
Dreamworks execs cry.

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS:

Quentin brings the gore.
Brad Pitt grows one good mustache.
Nazis say bye bye.

THE HURT LOCKER:

Women can direct.
I could never stop a bomb.
Props to J. Renner.

Food For Thought of the Day 1/7/10

I wonder how many bastard children Tiger Woods has?

A Decade in Movies: 10-1

As promised, here are my ten favorite movies of this decade.

10. Pineapple Express (2008)

“This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked.  This would be the shit that they birthed.”

This movie is by far the most brilliant thing the Cult of Apatow has ever done.  One of the funniest, most quotable movies ever with James Franco and Danny McBride doing some of the best character acting ever seen in a comedy.  Also, the inhuman amount of shit blowing up in this movie is an added bonus, especially if you toked up before watching it.

9. Inglorious Basterds (2009)

“Well I speak the most Italian, so I’ll be your escort.”

Quentin Tarantino’s movies have all been good but, until now, none of them had ever been quite as stellar as Pulp Fiction. Inglorious Basterds is the first Tarantino movie to challenge Pulp Fiction’s throne.  I’ve been known to bash Brad Pitt for being a one trick pony but in the past several years he has proven he has a breadth of acting ability beyond what I ever thought possible for him.  As Aldo Raine, Brad Pitt puts on the funniest and flat out best performance of his career, bar none.  This movie is not to be missed and proves yet again that there is only one Quentin Tarantino.

8. Mar Adentro (The Sea Inside) (2004)

“A life without freedom is not a life.”

Before he was the crazy guy with the murderous propane tank in No Country for Old Men, Javier Bardem was a Spanish star who played real life paraplegic named Ramon Sampedro seeking euthanasia to end his decades long struggle.  This movie is beautiful, touching and wonderfully acted.  This is a movie that likely slipped under most people’s radar, but I highly recommend watching it if you have the chance.

7. Snatch. (2001)

“You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy and I’ll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.”

This is in my humblest of opinions, the greatest heist movie of all time.  Guy Ritchie is at his best, Brad Pitt plays a hysterical, incomprehensible gypsy and Jason Statham shows that his acting ability goes beyond just driving cars.

6. The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

“This is Jason Bourne, the toughest target that you have ever tracked. He is really good at staying alive, and trying to kill him and failing just pisses him off.”

It only took three movies for Matt Damon to leave his mark on the action genre and prove undoubtedly that Bourne is smarter, cooler and better than Bond.  This is the superb culmination of the Bourne Trilogy and quite simply one of the best action movies ever made.

5. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

“Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk?”

This movie was the most original, revolutionary piece of comedy of my lifetime.  There ncver has been, and there probably never will be anything quite like Borat. While Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen’s followup to Borat, was funny too, it didn’t quite amount to the original.  This movie has never gotten old for me.  When I saw it the first time my face hurt from laughing so hard and still,  after watching it about a dozen times, it has the same effect.

4. Cidade de Deus (City of God) (2002)

“The City of God was divided.”

There have been some spectacular crime dramas in the past but none quite as eye opening as City of God.  This movie is a telling portrait of the tumultuous criminal underbelly of Rio de Janeiro.  While simultaneously following the stories of characters Rocket and Lil Ze this movie shows while there is tremendous potential among the people of the lower class, there are always malicious people who would prefer the power of a life of crime.

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

“Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?”

In 2004, the creative juggernaut of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and director Michel Gondry created one of the most original love stories in film history.  Eternal Sunshine is nothing short of extraordinary, and Kaufman shows through his muses Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey, that he can take a rather absurd concept and make it interesting and easy to relate to.  The movie draws you in as Carrey, while getting Winslet erased from his memory, realizes how worthwhile those memories are.

2. The Dark Knight (2008)

“Wanna know how I got these scars?”

My friends reading this list are probably shocked that this isn’t number one but it was so close in my head that I couldn’t really choose.  For those of you who haven’t experienced the phenomenon, The Dark Knight is not only the undisputed greatest superhero movie in the history of cinema but it is also a commendably good crime drama and the magnificent final act of Heath Ledger’s decorated filmography.  Held up high by near perfect acting performances by the entire cast (with the exception of Christian Bale’s Batman grunts) this movie keeps you glued to your seat and wanting more when it’s over.  The movie is two and a half hours long but I would have gladly sat there and watched it for five.

1.  El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan’s Labyrinth) (2006)

“My mother told me to be wary of Fauns.”

After watching this movie for the first time, one thing was clear to me; Guillermo del Toro has an imagination to be envied.  Pan’s Labyrinth is one of the most beautiful, original fantasies of our time and the best fantasy film based on original material since Star Wars. All of the characters, both human and supernatural, work in such perfect unison and create a masterpiece truly worthy of the phrase “movie magic.”

Wisdom of the Day 12/27

Dog:

Cat:

A Decade in Movies: 20-11

As I am only twenty years old, it was in this decade that I really started to become familiar with and attached to movies.  I’ve been seeing end-of-the-decade lists of popping up everywhere so I think I’ll add mine to the fray.  Without further ado, this is the first half of my “20 Favorite Movies of the Decade” list.  Check in tomorrow for the second half and Merry Christmas!

20. Lost in Translation (2003)

“You’re probably just having a mid-life crisis. Did you buy a Porsche yet?”

In this semi-biographical creative opus from Sofia Coppola, Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson play two forlorn fish-out-of-water in who’s paths intertwine as they try to find some comfort far from home.  Scarlett proves she has some legit acting shops and Murray is witty and charming as ever as they look for excitement on the alien streets of Tokyo.

19. Milk (2008)

“If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door”

Heartbreaking and absolutely stellar.  This is far and away, without a shred of doubt, this is the best biopic I’ve ever seen in my life.  Sean Penn is brilliant and Gus Van Sant proves that he remains one of the best directors in Hollywood.  They truly captured the magic of the life of a true hero not only for the GLBTQ community, but for every American who believe that gays should be afforded every right and opportunity given to straight people.

18. Love Actually (2003)

“Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”

If you’re a boy, don’t get turned away by the fact that this is a romantic dramedy featuring Hugh Grant.  Love Actually features practically every British actor in existence and uses them well.  This movie is not just good, but it is a movie that everyone should own and watch at least once in the month of December.  This is the quintessential movie to get you in the Christmas spirit.

17.  Road to Perdition (2002)

“There are many stories about Michael Sullivan. Some say he was a decent man. Some say there was no good in him at all.”

As far as trends go, Road to Perdition was way ahead of its time.  This was possibly the first good graphic novel based movie ever and certainly the first of the decade.  Much was expected of this movie as it was director Sam Mendes’ follow up to the Best Picture winning American Beauty and it did not disappoint.  Sam Mendes is superb in his ability to portray characters as neither good nor evil, but rather as equal parts of both.  You don’t know whether to love or hate Tom Hanks as he waffles back and forth from cold-blooded murderer for hire and protective father.

16. Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

“So you stopped talking because of Friedrich Nietzsche? Far out.”

It is very rare that a movie can be both hysterical and touching.  This movie is a massive accomplishment on both counts.  Little Miss Sunshine is one of the smartest and funniest movies I’ve ever seen and although I can’t really argue with The Departed winning Best Picture for Marty Scorcese, if given the choice I would have awarded it to the little underdog that could.

15. Children of Men (2006)

“Very odd, what happens in a world without children’s voices.”

2006 was the Year of the Mexican Director as this movie, Pan’s Labyrinth, and Volver all were released to very high acclaim and many award nominations.  This movie was exciting, well acted and smart.  This is about as good as futuristic thrillers get.

14. The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

“It’s a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no telling where you might be swept off to.”

As you well know, the Lord of the Rings was one of the biggest cinematic achievements in history.  The movie redefined “epic” and spawned many far inferior impostors (Troy, Kingdom of Heaven).  Fellowship has always been my favorite as it balances battle with story better than any of the others in  my opinion.

13) Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

“When somebody asks me a question, I tell them the answer.”

Danny Boyle proves yet again that he’s a brilliant storyteller.  A beautiful introduction to Bollywood for all of us in the United States chock full of excellent acting performances and musical pieces from relative unknowns.

12) V for Vendetta (2005)

“Remember, remember the fifth of November“

The Wachowski Brothers’  Matrix protege, James MacTeague creates the best graphic novel based movie of all time.  Rarely does a futuristic action movie pack this much of a punch and deliver such a powerful message.  Portman is brilliant.

11) Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

“You gotta walk before you crawl.”

Plain and simple, this is one of the most fun movies ever made.  Watching the slick back and forth dialogue between the excellent cast as they pull of an awe inspiring heist never gets old.

Things That Are Not Overrated: Putting Your Hands Up Because They’re Playing Your Song and the Butterflies Fly Away

Unless you have been living under a rock, you are intimately familiar with Miley Cyrus’ latest hit “Party in the USA.”  On the surface “Party in the USA” seems like an unassuming, run of the mill pop song.  However, if you look deeper, “Party in the USA” has unearthed a biological phenomenon the likes of which have never been seen.  If you are a guy, “Party in the USA” elicits one of two emotions; either you secretly love it but tell all your friends you hate it or, the very sound of Miley’s voice makes you vomit out your organs.  This is fairly commonplace as it happens with most pop songs.

Where the newfound biological paradox lies is in the female response.  If you are a woman, it is more than likely that when this song comes on you uncontrollably throw your hands up because it is YOUR song and every time you hear it the butterflies in your stomach just fly away.  This is not a voluntary action either, once this song comes on, women violently thrust their bodies upward, put their hands up, nod their head and move their hips in the strangest, most awkward looking genetic-anomaly-freak-dance ever seen by mankind.  But not only is this behavior reflexive, but it is also incredibly rewarding.  Women seek out “Party in the USA” as fervently as Kristen Stewart seeks out cocaine.  After many months of naturalistic observation I have determined that the playing of Miley Cyrus through the intercom is the only reason women attend UConn sporting events.  They seek to perform their weirdo-genetic-anomaly-dance in a large group.

As an aspiring scientist, after months of research, I have come to only one plausible conclusion as to why this song has the effect it does.  Miley Cyrus is a blood sucking alien genetic engineer succubus that feeds off of a woman’s unique personality traits.  She uses her music as a means to implant her evil genetic anomaly and suck out all originality from young women.  After she is done, these women have no unique brain processes that would prompt them to think “this song is dumb, I’m not going to stand up and flail uncontrollably.”  All they have left is the ability to shriek and blankly stare and smile at each other (it is hypothesized, because of it’s strikingly similar effects, that Miley Cyrus is also responsible for The Twilight Saga.)  Furthermore, this phenomenon isn’t underrated because it is one of the strangest new scientific discoveries of the Millenium.  If you are a women who doesn’t experience this reflexive freak dance, congratulations, you carry the recessive gene.  If not, be wary of any future Miley Cyrus “Macarena” covers.

Pikachu: Strong and Sexual

Allegedly it’s “Change Your Picture to Your Favorite Pokemon Month,” on facebook and accordingly I was browsing the internet for pictures of pokemon.  What I found was an assortment of passionate, beautiful Pikachu pictures.  These are my findings.

Wisdom of the Day: 12/17/09

If people look back on your life and think “man, that maverick went rogue,” consider yourself a success.

Wisdom of the Day: 12/16/09

Just because a girl has thick rimmed glasses doesn’t mean she’s interesting OR funny like Tina Fey.  She might not even want to hear your poop jokes.

Wisdom of the Day: 12/15/09

John Lennon was the first person to flash the peace sign in his Facebook pics.  You guys are all just copycats.