If there is pus coming out of your wiener, call your doctor.

For some people, Bar Mitzvah or Confirmation is when they become a man.  For others it’s when they have their first child.  For me it was July 19, 2008 when I saw The Dark Knight in theaters for the first time.  That was when I knew my true mission in life, to interject Batman references and metaphors into every conversation I have.

There were a few things we were left knowing for sure from The Dark Knight. We know that Harvey Dent is dead, Rachel Dawes is dead and Heath Ledger obviously will not be able to reprise his role as the joker.  Knowing this, ever since seeing the second movie I’ve pondered how Nolan could end the series.  Speculation has primarily surrounded three classic Batman villains; Catwoman, the Riddler and the Penguin.

My first prediction is something that might elicit horror from fans of Dark Knight.  I have a feeling Joseph Gordon-Levitt will be cast in the role of the Joker.  The dynamic between Batman and the Joker was what made The Dark Knight the masterpiece that it was, so to completely omit the Joker would severely limit the plot possibilities for the movie.  Gordon-Levitt looks like he could be Heath Ledger’s brother and could  be done up to look identical to Ledger’s iconic character.  The Joker doesn’t need to play a giant role in the movie, but I think having the option of using him opens a lot more doors for screenwriter Jonathan Nolan to give the series the ending it deserves.

My second prediction is that we will see Leonardo DiCaprio as the Riddler in Batman 3. Christopher Nolan tends to recast the actors that he likes  and DiCaprio is starring in his psychological thriller Inception opening this Summer (Gordon-Levitt is also in this movie).  DiCaprio has got the acting chops to legitimize the part and given the Dark Knight‘s success I wouldn’t doubt he’d have interest in the part.

Also, one of the following three villains will appear in this movie.
The Penguin, inevitably played by Philip Seymour Hoffman.
Catwoman: Besides an early report that Nolan was interested in Cher for the role (which would have been awesome 20 years ago), the rumors all seem to surround Angelina Jolie and Megan Fox.  I would imagine that the likelyhood of Megan Fox getting the role hovers around zero seeing as she was enough of a primadonna that even Michael Bay got fed up with her bullshit.  Especially considering the gritty feel of the first two movies, she’s too much of a pretty face for the role.  This applies to Angelina also, but I think Angelina’s acting chops are considerably superior to Megan’s which makes her more likely to land the part.  My wildcard is rising star Carey Mulligan who got an Oscar nomination for her role in An Education, however she would likely have to choose between this and playing the iconic Lisbeth Salander in David Fincher’s The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Victor Zsasz is one of the least known but most interesting Batman villains. Christopher Nolan already pulled a villain out of left field for one of his movies with the Scarecrow in Batman Begins, so don’t rule Zsasz out.  Victor Zsasz is a serial killer who carves tally marks into himself for every victim.  Zsasz was shown briefly in Batman Begins but escapes from prison during Ra’s al Goul’s attack on Gotham.  I think Zsasz could provide the most exciting plot for the final movie.  I could see Jackie Earle Haley, Edward Norton or Daniel Day Lewis taking on this role.  Keep an eye out for this one.

As it will probably start filming within the next 6 months, hopefully we’ll be finding out soon who we’ll be drooling over, eagerly waiting for the third Batman.

Hey all, my extended absence is about to come to a close.  I have a few posts on deck that I’m hoping to finish in the next couple days.  In the meantime, enjoy the fruits of my creative labor for the past month or so.  This is UCONN Power Hour IX, a video Power Hour to help you get through those 6 beers you need to get you going at the beginning of the night.

Pros: Bon Iver is from the midwest, he has a beard and he drinks Bud Heavy.  Judging from these characteristics he probably would fare well in a drunken brawl.
Cons: He is a pussy.  His girlfriend dumped him and he secluded himself in the woods and wrote an album full of lovelorn folk songs about her.  If Bon Jovi got dumped he’d probably get over it by getting a blow job from the first semi-educated, 43-year-old female bartender he encountered.

Now Bon Jovi…

Pros: Basically every song he wrote when he was in his prime were about fucking, wearing leather and riding motorcycles.  He is probably the favorite recording artist of most people who kill people for a living. He recently made an appearance on “30 Rock”.
Cons: He’s also a pussy. He used to be cool back in the day but since then he’s produced almost exclusively adult contemporary country albums with songs about the nostalgia, raising kids and going back to your hometown. Presumably the only fights he gets into these days are arguments over how to furnish his guest room.

Tag Outs:
If things get ugly in the ring, it becomes necessary to have a buddy to tag into the ring and have your back. The advantage here goes to Bon Jovi. As much as I would like to give Bon Iver a fair shot, your average motorcycle or karaoke bar patron could probably beat the living shit out Justin Long or your average pensive, bespectacled college poetry major.

Verdict
Bon Jovi wins this one but Bon Iver gives him a good fight. I think its safe to assume that the average bearded midwesterner would put up a good fight. Bon Jovi has probably gotten into a few more barfights though and unless his fist gets caught in Bon Iver’s beard he will probably win.

AVATAR:

Blue people are cool.
Ponytail sex with dragons.
Should that be allowed?

DISTRICT 9:

Peter Jackson’s boy
makes apartheid with martians.
Sad but wicked good.

UP:

Pixar is the King.
Everything they touch is gold.
Dreamworks execs cry.

INGLORIOUS BASTERDS:

Quentin brings the gore.
Brad Pitt grows one good mustache.
Nazis say bye bye.

THE HURT LOCKER:

Women can direct.
I could never stop a bomb.
Props to J. Renner.

I wonder how many bastard children Tiger Woods has?

10. Pineapple Express (2008)

“This is like if that Blue Oyster shit met that Afghan Kush I had and they had a baby. And then, meanwhile, that crazy Northern Light stuff I had and the Super Red Espresso Snowflake met and had a baby. And by some miracle, those two babies met and fucked.  This would be the shit that they birthed.”

This movie is by far the most brilliant thing the Cult of Apatow has ever done.  One of the funniest, most quotable movies ever with James Franco and Danny McBride doing some of the best character acting ever seen in a comedy.  Also, the inhuman amount of shit blowing up in this movie is an added bonus, especially if you toked up before watching it.

9. Inglorious Basterds (2009)

“Well I speak the most Italian, so I’ll be your escort.”

Quentin Tarantino’s movies have all been good but, until now, none of them had ever been quite as stellar as Pulp Fiction. Inglorious Basterds is the first Tarantino movie to challenge Pulp Fiction‘s throne.  I’ve been known to bash Brad Pitt for being a one trick pony but in the past several years he has proven he has a breadth of acting ability beyond what I ever thought possible for him.  As Aldo Raine, Brad Pitt puts on the funniest and flat out best performance of his career, bar none.  This movie is not to be missed and proves yet again that there is only one Quentin Tarantino.

8. Mar Adentro (The Sea Inside) (2004)

“A life without freedom is not a life.”

Before he was the crazy guy with the murderous propane tank in No Country for Old Men, Javier Bardem was a Spanish star who played real life paraplegic named Ramon Sampedro seeking euthanasia to end his decades long struggle.  This movie is beautiful, touching and wonderfully acted.  This is a movie that likely slipped under most people’s radar, but I highly recommend watching it if you have the chance.

7. Snatch. (2001)

“You show me how to control a wild fucking gypsy and I’ll show you how to control an unhinged, pig-feeding gangster.”

This is in my humblest of opinions, the greatest heist movie of all time.  Guy Ritchie is at his best, Brad Pitt plays a hysterical, incomprehensible gypsy and Jason Statham shows that his acting ability goes beyond just driving cars.

6. The Bourne Ultimatum (2007)

“This is Jason Bourne, the toughest target that you have ever tracked. He is really good at staying alive, and trying to kill him and failing just pisses him off.”

It only took three movies for Matt Damon to leave his mark on the action genre and prove undoubtedly that Bourne is smarter, cooler and better than Bond.  This is the superb culmination of the Bourne Trilogy and quite simply one of the best action movies ever made.

5. Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

“Gypsy, who is this woman you have shrunk?”

This movie was the most original, revolutionary piece of comedy of my lifetime.  There ncver has been, and there probably never will be anything quite like Borat. While Bruno, Sacha Baron Cohen’s followup to Borat, was funny too, it didn’t quite amount to the original.  This movie has never gotten old for me.  When I saw it the first time my face hurt from laughing so hard and still,  after watching it about a dozen times, it has the same effect.

4. Cidade de Deus (City of God) (2002)

“The City of God was divided.”

There have been some spectacular crime dramas in the past but none quite as eye opening as City of God.  This movie is a telling portrait of the tumultuous criminal underbelly of Rio de Janeiro.  While simultaneously following the stories of characters Rocket and Lil Ze this movie shows while there is tremendous potential among the people of the lower class, there are always malicious people who would prefer the power of a life of crime.

3. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

“Why do I fall in love with every woman I see who shows me the least bit of attention?”

In 2004, the creative juggernaut of screenwriter Charlie Kaufman and director Michel Gondry created one of the most original love stories in film history.  Eternal Sunshine is nothing short of extraordinary, and Kaufman shows through his muses Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey, that he can take a rather absurd concept and make it interesting and easy to relate to.  The movie draws you in as Carrey, while getting Winslet erased from his memory, realizes how worthwhile those memories are.

2. The Dark Knight (2008)

“Wanna know how I got these scars?”

My friends reading this list are probably shocked that this isn’t number one but it was so close in my head that I couldn’t really choose.  For those of you who haven’t experienced the phenomenon, The Dark Knight is not only the undisputed greatest superhero movie in the history of cinema but it is also a commendably good crime drama and the magnificent final act of Heath Ledger’s decorated filmography.  Held up high by near perfect acting performances by the entire cast (with the exception of Christian Bale’s Batman grunts) this movie keeps you glued to your seat and wanting more when it’s over.  The movie is two and a half hours long but I would have gladly sat there and watched it for five.

1.  El Laberinto del Fauno (Pan’s Labyrinth) (2006)

“My mother told me to be wary of Fauns.”

After watching this movie for the first time, one thing was clear to me; Guillermo del Toro has an imagination to be envied.  Pan’s Labyrinth is one of the most beautiful, original fantasies of our time and the best fantasy film based on original material since Star Wars. All of the characters, both human and supernatural, work in such perfect unison and create a masterpiece truly worthy of the phrase “movie magic.”

Cat:

20. Lost in Translation (2003)

“You’re probably just having a mid-life crisis. Did you buy a Porsche yet?”

In this semi-biographical creative opus from Sofia Coppola, Bill Murray and Scarlett Johansson play two forlorn fish-out-of-water in who’s paths intertwine as they try to find some comfort far from home.  Scarlett proves she has some legit acting shops and Murray is witty and charming as ever as they look for excitement on the alien streets of Tokyo.

19. Milk (2008)

“If a bullet should enter my brain, let that bullet destroy every closet door”

Heartbreaking and absolutely stellar.  This is far and away, without a shred of doubt, this is the best biopic I’ve ever seen in my life.  Sean Penn is brilliant and Gus Van Sant proves that he remains one of the best directors in Hollywood.  They truly captured the magic of the life of a true hero not only for the GLBTQ community, but for every American who believe that gays should be afforded every right and opportunity given to straight people.

18. Love Actually (2003)

“Don’t buy drugs. Become a pop star, and they give you them for free!”

If you’re a boy, don’t get turned away by the fact that this is a romantic dramedy featuring Hugh Grant.  Love Actually features practically every British actor in existence and uses them well.  This movie is not just good, but it is a movie that everyone should own and watch at least once in the month of December.  This is the quintessential movie to get you in the Christmas spirit.

17.  Road to Perdition (2002)

“There are many stories about Michael Sullivan. Some say he was a decent man. Some say there was no good in him at all.”

As far as trends go, Road to Perdition was way ahead of its time.  This was possibly the first good graphic novel based movie ever and certainly the first of the decade.  Much was expected of this movie as it was director Sam Mendes’ follow up to the Best Picture winning American Beauty and it did not disappoint.  Sam Mendes is superb in his ability to portray characters as neither good nor evil, but rather as equal parts of both.  You don’t know whether to love or hate Tom Hanks as he waffles back and forth from cold-blooded murderer for hire and protective father.

16. Little Miss Sunshine (2006)

“So you stopped talking because of Friedrich Nietzsche? Far out.”

It is very rare that a movie can be both hysterical and touching.  This movie is a massive accomplishment on both counts.  Little Miss Sunshine is one of the smartest and funniest movies I’ve ever seen and although I can’t really argue with The Departed winning Best Picture for Marty Scorcese, if given the choice I would have awarded it to the little underdog that could.

15. Children of Men (2006)

“Very odd, what happens in a world without children’s voices.”

2006 was the Year of the Mexican Director as this movie, Pan’s Labyrinth, and Volver all were released to very high acclaim and many award nominations.  This movie was exciting, well acted and smart.  This is about as good as futuristic thrillers get.

14. The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

“It’s a dangerous business, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don’t keep your feet, there’s no telling where you might be swept off to.”

As you well know, the Lord of the Rings was one of the biggest cinematic achievements in history.  The movie redefined “epic” and spawned many far inferior impostors (Troy, Kingdom of Heaven).  Fellowship has always been my favorite as it balances battle with story better than any of the others in  my opinion.

13) Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

“When somebody asks me a question, I tell them the answer.”

Danny Boyle proves yet again that he’s a brilliant storyteller.  A beautiful introduction to Bollywood for all of us in the United States chock full of excellent acting performances and musical pieces from relative unknowns.

12) V for Vendetta (2005)

“Remember, remember the fifth of November“

The Wachowski Brothers’  Matrix protege, James MacTeague creates the best graphic novel based movie of all time.  Rarely does a futuristic action movie pack this much of a punch and deliver such a powerful message.  Portman is brilliant.

11) Ocean’s Eleven (2001)

“You gotta walk before you crawl.”

Plain and simple, this is one of the most fun movies ever made.  Watching the slick back and forth dialogue between the excellent cast as they pull of an awe inspiring heist never gets old.

Unless you have been living under a rock, you are intimately familiar with Miley Cyrus’ latest hit “Party in the USA.”  On the surface “Party in the USA” seems like an unassuming, run of the mill pop song.  However, if you look deeper, “Party in the USA” has unearthed a biological phenomenon the likes of which have never been seen.  If you are a guy, “Party in the USA” elicits one of two emotions; either you secretly love it but tell all your friends you hate it or, the very sound of Miley’s voice makes you vomit out your organs.  This is fairly commonplace as it happens with most pop songs.

Where the newfound biological paradox lies is in the female response.  If you are a woman, it is more than likely that when this song comes on you uncontrollably throw your hands up because it is YOUR song and every time you hear it the butterflies in your stomach just fly away.  This is not a voluntary action either, once this song comes on, women violently thrust their bodies upward, put their hands up, nod their head and move their hips in the strangest, most awkward looking genetic-anomaly-freak-dance ever seen by mankind.  But not only is this behavior reflexive, but it is also incredibly rewarding.  Women seek out “Party in the USA” as fervently as Kristen Stewart seeks out cocaine.  After many months of naturalistic observation I have determined that the playing of Miley Cyrus through the intercom is the only reason women attend UConn sporting events.  They seek to perform their weirdo-genetic-anomaly-dance in a large group.

As an aspiring scientist, after months of research, I have come to only one plausible conclusion as to why this song has the effect it does.  Miley Cyrus is a blood sucking alien genetic engineer succubus that feeds off of a woman’s unique personality traits.  She uses her music as a means to implant her evil genetic anomaly and suck out all originality from young women.  After she is done, these women have no unique brain processes that would prompt them to think “this song is dumb, I’m not going to stand up and flail uncontrollably.”  All they have left is the ability to shriek and blankly stare and smile at each other (it is hypothesized, because of it’s strikingly similar effects, that Miley Cyrus is also responsible for The Twilight Saga.)  Furthermore, this phenomenon isn’t underrated because it is one of the strangest new scientific discoveries of the Millenium.  If you are a women who doesn’t experience this reflexive freak dance, congratulations, you carry the recessive gene.  If not, be wary of any future Miley Cyrus “Macarena” covers.